First AA meeting last night - 82.3kg
I made a decision to go to AA last night, for the first time in my life. It was interesting, scary, I got some insights!
This last bit is important for me, as I am so cynical about my own drinking behaviour and what has happened when I have reached out for help in the past. The doctors, counselling, help from family, my own resolve, none of this has worked in the past.
Last night was the first time I spoke to anyone (whilst sober) what it feels like to be in the grip of alcohol.
I tried to admit to the people I love that I am an alcoholic. I have fought against this for a long time.
Until I got my insight (more on that in a moment) the label 'an alcoholic' has been a deeply negative one to me, it says to me that I'm broken, a bad person, I need fixing, a basket case... the list goes on.
I came home troubled. I rejected the idea that I am helpless when faced with alcohol. I've been dry for a month so surely I am not helpless...
As this is the first step then it is a good place to start. I have rationalised it thus:
There was a strong message from one person that talked about alcohol being much more patient than me, it can outwait my resolve, it will get me when I am at my weakest or most fearful.
This personification of alcohol (not something addressed as such in the meeting) is an interesting concept, and not one I had considered before. It is the bogeyman waiting to stab me in the back when I am at my lowest, when my willpower has weakened, or when I am just off my guard. I have heard it described as the demon drink, maybe this is what that phrase alludes to?
In that sense I think I am helpless in the face of it, and past experience tells that that yes it will be waiting for me and it will get hold of me again unless I face up to the fact that I am helpless in the face of alcohol if I choose to drink.
I have a choice, either to drink or not. But in choosing to take that first drink I must accept that it is that first one that will get me. It always has, without exception, in the past.
I was also troubled by the mention of God and spirituality in the accompanying texts and the Big Book. This, I think, is something I will need to spend some time coming to terms with. The whole concept of God as a supreme being, a living entity, is something that I have rejected for most of my life.
But what if I can accept that God is a shorthand for that untouchable, invisible force that comes from all the good things that I get from the people who love me, my family, my friends, my colleagues. It is shorthand for the happiness and sense of well being from spending time with these people and doing things that are worthwhile. It is the sense that in being this way I am making others happy, making others feel loved, or just good about themselves. It is the result of not being grumpy, angry, unhappy, morbid or fearful of the unknown. I would probably reject this aspect less if it said 'The Force' rather than 'God'.
The biggest insight has come slowly since the meeting. It is to do with the acceptance of being an alcoholic, what this means deep down. The way I'm looking at it is this based on what I heard and have read and thought about since the meeting:
There are people who don't drink at all and have never had a problem with alcohol, people who drink occasionally, people who drink a lot but can control it, and then there are people who drink a lot and cannot control themselves or their drinking habits.
The definition of 'an alcoholic' as it seems to be most commonly used is that last one, they have a specific problem which is that if they have a drink, they cannot stop. They will drink until they are kicked out of the pub, or there is nothing left in the house, or they fall asleep.
By the way, I cannot find the NHS Web site describe 'an alcoholic'. Interesting.
If it is true that 'alcoholism' cannot be cured, that a person cannot overcome this behaviour (so far the data of my life indicates this to be the case, at least I have never yet found the cure), then it follows that there are only two types of alcoholic:
Drinking alcoholics
Recovering alcoholics
If I can accept this set of definitions then it is clear to me which type of alcoholic I would prefer to be. If I have to live the rest of my life as 'an alcoholic' (eurgh!) then I choose to be a recovering alcoholic.
On a more cheery note, check this graph out. That puts my BMI at 23.2, slightly lower than my target weight. This means I should start to focus on strength and muscle gain now and that I can ease up on the dieting at bit.
This last bit is important for me, as I am so cynical about my own drinking behaviour and what has happened when I have reached out for help in the past. The doctors, counselling, help from family, my own resolve, none of this has worked in the past.
Last night was the first time I spoke to anyone (whilst sober) what it feels like to be in the grip of alcohol.
I tried to admit to the people I love that I am an alcoholic. I have fought against this for a long time.
Until I got my insight (more on that in a moment) the label 'an alcoholic' has been a deeply negative one to me, it says to me that I'm broken, a bad person, I need fixing, a basket case... the list goes on.
I came home troubled. I rejected the idea that I am helpless when faced with alcohol. I've been dry for a month so surely I am not helpless...
As this is the first step then it is a good place to start. I have rationalised it thus:
There was a strong message from one person that talked about alcohol being much more patient than me, it can outwait my resolve, it will get me when I am at my weakest or most fearful.
This personification of alcohol (not something addressed as such in the meeting) is an interesting concept, and not one I had considered before. It is the bogeyman waiting to stab me in the back when I am at my lowest, when my willpower has weakened, or when I am just off my guard. I have heard it described as the demon drink, maybe this is what that phrase alludes to?
In that sense I think I am helpless in the face of it, and past experience tells that that yes it will be waiting for me and it will get hold of me again unless I face up to the fact that I am helpless in the face of alcohol if I choose to drink.
I have a choice, either to drink or not. But in choosing to take that first drink I must accept that it is that first one that will get me. It always has, without exception, in the past.
I was also troubled by the mention of God and spirituality in the accompanying texts and the Big Book. This, I think, is something I will need to spend some time coming to terms with. The whole concept of God as a supreme being, a living entity, is something that I have rejected for most of my life.
But what if I can accept that God is a shorthand for that untouchable, invisible force that comes from all the good things that I get from the people who love me, my family, my friends, my colleagues. It is shorthand for the happiness and sense of well being from spending time with these people and doing things that are worthwhile. It is the sense that in being this way I am making others happy, making others feel loved, or just good about themselves. It is the result of not being grumpy, angry, unhappy, morbid or fearful of the unknown. I would probably reject this aspect less if it said 'The Force' rather than 'God'.
The biggest insight has come slowly since the meeting. It is to do with the acceptance of being an alcoholic, what this means deep down. The way I'm looking at it is this based on what I heard and have read and thought about since the meeting:
There are people who don't drink at all and have never had a problem with alcohol, people who drink occasionally, people who drink a lot but can control it, and then there are people who drink a lot and cannot control themselves or their drinking habits.
The definition of 'an alcoholic' as it seems to be most commonly used is that last one, they have a specific problem which is that if they have a drink, they cannot stop. They will drink until they are kicked out of the pub, or there is nothing left in the house, or they fall asleep.
By the way, I cannot find the NHS Web site describe 'an alcoholic'. Interesting.
If it is true that 'alcoholism' cannot be cured, that a person cannot overcome this behaviour (so far the data of my life indicates this to be the case, at least I have never yet found the cure), then it follows that there are only two types of alcoholic:
Drinking alcoholics
Recovering alcoholics
If I can accept this set of definitions then it is clear to me which type of alcoholic I would prefer to be. If I have to live the rest of my life as 'an alcoholic' (eurgh!) then I choose to be a recovering alcoholic.
On a more cheery note, check this graph out. That puts my BMI at 23.2, slightly lower than my target weight. This means I should start to focus on strength and muscle gain now and that I can ease up on the dieting at bit.
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